I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can vaginas get frostbite?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
