The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
