She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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