i will never coherently bang her
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
