Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
whose parrot is this?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
