But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
