Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Let's get the cat blown out
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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