This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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