Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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