In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
