I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
