no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
how drunk are you?
Several
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
