is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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