i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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