dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize