i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
