I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
