She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
