Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
