My hand turned me down
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
