I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So squirting runs in the family.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
