Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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