I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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