dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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