You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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