We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
