I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize