just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
