ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
