I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
