I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
