Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
