I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
