no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
