she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
