well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
