Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I puked a lego.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
