you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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