my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
