walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
