I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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