My nipple is on Facebook.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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