I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
