The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
