My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
