I want you more than these girls want KFC
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
