i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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