Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
