Pants 0. Shit 1.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
