theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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