I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish I only lived at night.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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