yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
