Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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