I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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