Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
