I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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