Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
