I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
