I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
