Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
