Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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